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Maybe you knew it was coming. Maybe you didn't. You've been dumped. So, other than moping around in your pyjamas, spending quality time with Ben & Jerry, what can you do? Well, clear away that mountain of soggy tissues, and I'll tell you how to get through the worst of it, the first 30 days. Three things: Take care of yourself. Give yourself time to mourn. Move forward. The first 48 hours. The first 48 hours are the toughest. Give yourself at least one full weekend to cry your eyes out, eat junk food and lie around on your couch in a broken-heart coma watching sappy movies or a kung-fu marathon. Try to throw a few comedies into the mix if you can, laughter is good for you. If you want to be alone now, be alone. If you want to be with friends, by all means, invite them to console you.

Whatever you do, don't call your ex. Don't e-mail your ex. Don't see your ex. Turn your answering machine on and screen your calls. I'm not saying you should never talk to your ex again, but give yourself at least a month or so to build up your ego again. If you think you might be tempted, by all means, invite a friend over to run defence and keep you away from the phone. Next, force yourself to think of the relationship as over. I know that's tough right now, but it truly is necessary. Grieve for what it was, and consider it dead and gone.

The first week. After your first 48 hours, it is important to get off the couch and take a shower. Not just for hygiene reasons, (but trust me, by this time you'll really need it) but because it's now time to start taking action. Take down all photos that include your ex. If you need to have a ceremonial snapshot torching, by all means, go ahead. Put all reminders of your ex (letters, gifts, photos, etc.) in a box and stuff it way in the back of your closet, or better yet, your garage - someplace you won't see it on a regular basis. If you feel yourself starting to idealize your ex, and feel the desire to call him or her, sit down immediately and make a list of all the things about your ex that really annoyed you - the more humorous, the better.

Think hard, I know there's something. The way he gave the exact same 22-minute response to every single person who asked how his job was going for three solid years. The psycho-squirrel noises she made when she laughed. The cheap, ugly, green, plastic phone he gave you for Christmas. The way she tried to hold in her sneezes, producing that imploding, snort noise instead. Whatever you do, don't call your ex. Start returning to your normal life. Take an extra 20 minutes with your appearance this week. Sure, you may not feel like getting dressed at all, but trust me, if you look good, you'll feel even better.

Wear something that makes you feel stunning or confident. Nothing smoothes the ragged edges of a recent break-up like a few well-timed compliments. If your weekend on the couch still shows in your face, put some tea bags on your eyelids. Make plans with friends for every Friday and Saturday night for the next month, and stick to them. Get out and go dancing. It may be the last thing you feel like doing, but you'll find it's a fabulous release. The music and physical activity will make you feel tons better. Speaking of which, exercise four times this week. Yeah, I know you won't feel like it, but do it anyway.

You need those happy endorphins that exercise brings. Do a little bonding with your pals. Go to a basketball game, or even bowling. Just get out of the house. One last thing for this week, schedule a massage. You need it! The second week. Whatever you do, don't call your ex. Make a detailed list of all your good qualities. Remember, you're a unique, wonderful, person, and someone (probably several someone's) will fall madly in love with you, and you with them.

Keep your plans with friends every weekend, and by all means, do something physical, or humorous, like going to a comedy club. Work out (three times this week, and for the rest of the break-up survival period), go rock climbing, or dance like the Backstreet Boys in your living room (nobody will see you.) Get your heart rate going. Aside from making your body look good, you'll boost your mood as well. This week is all about pampering yourself. Get a pedicure, or sit in the sauna. You've been through a lot, and you deserve it.

Spend some of your newfound time (and probably extra cash, too) on something just for you. Guys, you may be feeling the need for some type of electronic device you've been putting off. Now is the time. Girls, all I can say is, SHOE SHOPPING!

Treat yourself to a little something nice this week, and every week for the rest of the month. The last two weeks. Whatever you do, don't call your ex. You're halfway through the black period, and the worst is over. This is when you'll start easing back into your pre-girl/pre-guy routine. Be a little selfish with your time, and do exactly what you want to do. You should be focusing on taking care of yourself right now. Now is also the time to start making long-range plans. Make two plans: One plan for a vacation (even if it's three years away,) and one plan for your life.

You have a clean slate, what do you want to do? Go back to school? Become a rock star? Learn how to make crawfish traps? No one is holding you back now. Write down your goals, and the steps you'll need to take to reach them. Holy Moly! Before you know it, the entire month has gone by. You're through the thick of it now, and on the road to recovery. Sure, you'll hit some bumps along the way, but you'll live through this.

You've made it this far, and you'll be a stronger, wiser person because of it. Someday, you'll meet someone who will love and appreciate you for the amazing person you are. And this break-up, which is so awful now, will just be one forgotten U- turn on your path to true love.


 

She squeaks when she blows her nose. He eats like a rabid pig. It's just not working out. We've all spent some time stuck in a relationship we didn't want to be in because we didn't have the heart (or some other equipment) to end it. Maybe we don't want to hurt someone we've been close to, or worse, maybe it's clear right away we're dealing with a nut and we don't want to be the trigger for an economy-sized bottle of Prozac and a six-week stint at the Bendy Willow Psychiatric Centre.

So what do you do when it's completely obvious you're just not meant to be together? You break up. Or, you try to break up, don't quite hit the mark, and end up sucked back into the awful relationship for round two, because you just couldn't make it stick.

Is there a way to make it permanent without causing permanent damage? The key is to have a plan, a good plan. Location,, Location. It's really important to pick a good strategic break-up setting. The best places to have "the talk" are both public but fairly private, with a convenient escape route. The best location? Outside, walking at a park. It's crowded enough to ensure you won't have a big scene, but private enough your dumpee won't feel like he or she is naked at a funeral. Other agreeable break-up locales include restaurants (but not a favourite restaurant) or a walk around the block.

The worst place to break up, at a party or work. The only thing worse than being dumped is being dumped in front of people you're going to have to see on a regular basis. Timing Is Everything. Another key to effective break-ups is precise timing. Breaking up at a park gives both your dumpee and you the chance to leave once the deed is done. If you're ending the relationship at a restaurant, do it only after the check has come and you've paid for dinner. (And by the way, if you're about to dump someone, you should DEFINITELY be buying dinner.) There's nothing more horrifying than being dumped and then having to sit around making small talk for another 20 minutes while you're waiting for the check to come. (As in, "Hey Lula, what are you doing now that you don't have plans for tonight? Laundry?")

Happy Freaking Birthday. Never break up with someone within two weeks of a major holiday or his/her birthday. Make that a month for Valentine's Day and Christmas. There's no faster entry to the Bitch/Bastard Hall of Fame than permanently destroying the holidays for your soon-to-be-ex. It's just not nice, and you don't want that what-goes-around-comes-around thing biting you in the ass when your turn as the dumpee rolls back around. It's Not You, It's Me.

The first thing to remember is not to drag it out. The longer it takes, the worse it is for everybody involved. Whenever you end the relationship, be sure to make your reasons relevant only to you. Say, "This is not working for me." Stick with your basis and keep repeating yourself over and over if necessary. It's impossible for someone to argue with you about reasons that pertain only to you.

If you end up getting sucked into a situation where you have to list grounds for wanting it over, you may find yourself in for an encore. If you say, "we fight too much" or "you don't seem happy" your partner may offer to change, taking all the air out of your break-up and landing you right back in the relationship.. Worst-case scenario, if you're too much of a weenie to break-up with your girl or guy yourself, Hire A Hit Man!